Sep. 17, 2017
“Everything has changed and yet, I am more me than I’ve ever been.” – Iain Thomas
An ugly, tattered rose. That’s all she is, and that’s all she will ever be.
The flower has been beaten down so small, but was she ever big to begin with? After being stepped on, blown mercilessly by the wind, and chilled to the root in winter, she’s given up.
An insignificant flower. The world has hundreds, thousands, millions, billions, so honestly, in the bigger scope of life, did it truly matter that this one rose was being drained of the red in her petals?
Yes. That’s one less beautiful blessing on this corrupted earth. One less reason to smile. For someone, losing her is losing a part of themselves.
Therefore, maybe she doesn’t give up. Maybe she realizes that the place in which she’s grown into is not the place in which she’s meant to stay. With that in her head, her leaves begin to dig. She scoops the dirt into the mountains she’d been mentally climbing, and when she lifts herself from the ground, that tattered, tiny rose conquers them for real.
Goodness, it’s such a magnificent thing to see the reflection in an old friend’s eyes and not recognize yourself. You look happier. You look more confident. You look like you.
The world is an agonizing maze of thorn bushes, and the paths are only wide enough for the society-accepted body types. Only the ones with the acceptable IQ level and mental stability are able to find their way through. The maze is relentless. People will shove you into the thorns just to ensure they make it through. What kind of world is that? What kind of guilt-ridden life do the merciless wish to live?
God, on the other hand, is forgiving and merciful, and with Him in my life I will serve others instead of slay. Us that are ‘below average’ cannot be shoved into the thorns. We will overcome every mountain. The world will not plant us in one spot and step on us as it goes by.
With Him leading me through enemy, and even frienemy, fire, I could not fail. It took me a while to realize this, but His hand was patiently stretched out to me the entire time. He never left me to deal with the judgement on my own, and when I finally met his eyes, the reality of just how perfect I looked in them overpowered every aspect of myself that others looked down on.
I am unbelievably imperfect, but my God is unbelievably perfect; therefore, if He loves me the way I am, then there’s no need to change physically.
However, I needed to fix several things mentally that I felt nobody could help me with other than Him. I’ll expand on that another time, but long story short- my Savior saved me once again. He saved me from society, which is such a vicious beast with a twisted set of eyes and an overbearing mouth littered with sharp fangs.
Gosh, I can’t even remember the exact moment everything changed. Of course, it took some time. I didn’t dig myself out right away. A scoop of dirt here, a scoop of dirt there, and then hey, maybe this life I have isn’t too bad after all.
I didn’t always think this way, though. That’s most likely why it took me so long. I had to reinvent myself because I wasn’t as faith-oriented as I am now. My evolution was even more difficult because I lost people that I assumed would be in my life forever. It was hard. Family passed away, and everyone else seemed to pass me by. In between the actual sadness, I simply fell into a routine of being sad. A routine that makes my heart heavy for the old me who couldn’t grasp how to let go and let God take control.
I am positive that strengthening my faith strengthened my life. I had a better connection with people, I was more confident in myself, I realized my insane addiction to writing, and my favorite is that the relationships I’d spent so much time sabotaging seemed to actually be the ones I cherish the most. There is not a doubt in my mind that the Lord was smiling down on me from my forever home up above whenever I finally realized how blessed I am.
Now, I thank Him morning and night for all He has given to me. All the things and people and gifts that I took so selfishly for granted. I am an entirely whole new person, and my heart is so full of love and happiness that sometimes I fear family reunions because I just know one day my heart will burst.
My philosophy for when I feel a bit lost is to find the thing that makes life make sense. Mine is my faith, but everyone believes differently, so maybe even just believe that the universe has balance. For each bad thing there is a good one coming, and everything is happening for a reason that will reveal itself in the future. Keep faith in that. Find faith in something; otherwise, the bottom of society’s shoes will look far too familiar, and you’ll never make it through the maze.
I found my faith, and I made a change.
Now, I know this:
An imperfect girl with a perfect God. That’s all I am, and that’s all I will ever be.
p.s: Come As You Are by Crowder is one of my favorite worship songs that always lifted my spirits when i was unsure about myself!
Life can be messy. Thank God I have my faith and my pencil.